When the heart refuses to listen
by BrimstoneButterfly
Summary: I would have never thought this could happen yet I have fallen for him. I guess although I'm a genius, I'm incredibly stupid. To be exact, my heart is the silly part of me. And with this, the world turned upside down.
1. When the heart refuses to listen

**When the heart refuses to listen**

**~~Dedicated to Wendy402 and her amazing story "Crush"~~**

**AN**: I got this idea by reading Wendy204's story "Crush". This is (also) kind of inspired by my own experiences... And be patient with me this is my first oneshot and Hotaru may be OOC. Corrections and/or constructive criticism are welcomed! I know my English is not the best, I'm sorry!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gakuen Alice nor Hotaru.

[Edited 20-Jan-2015]

Enjoy!

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Here I am, staring at the one. Yeah, _the _one. I have never thought this could happen but I fell in love. Ridiculous right? The Ice Queen in person can actually feel such a sentiment? Some time ago, I would just have snorted. But now, the world has turned upside down.

I guess although I'm a genius, I'm incredibly stupid. To be exact, my heart is the silly part of me. Which happened to succeed in dominating my rational mind.

I cannot explain exactly why I have fallen for him. Sure he has a radiant smile, a kind character and all you could wish of a perfect boyfriend. Every girl in this school would agree with me. Yet, I'm not the typical girl. I hate this fake sweetness, chirpy gossip talking, dressing up to look cute and girly behaviour at all. But this doesn't prevent me from being lovestruck now. _Great!_

You see, my mind always told me not to observe him too closely, to keep enough distance. My heart on the other side just had to scream for the opposite. Loud. So my eyes followed his every step, his every little movement. And I started to lose myself. My mind tried to save me but my stupid heart refused to listen. Funny though that the thing you name as "heart" is just a product of your own brain and yet you separate them.

Luckily, my face and body had the strength to maintain my composed façade. My behaviour was not affected by these...emotions. Nobody noticed, even the idiot not. She may be dense but she is the only one who succeeds in guessing at my inner state.

However, I convinced myself everything is just plain imagination and I have everything under control. Day by day passed by and I got accustomed to my new side. Sure it was difficult at the beginning to keep my mouth shut and don't shout out whom my heart belongs to. The more time passed the more this desire faded away. It lost the power to distract me from clearly more important business like my inventions and money. My glance sometimes landed on him but it wasn't as stirring as it used to be. Everything was fine. I thought.

I will never forget this excruciatingly intense feeling the day everything fell apart. The day he presented his girlfriend. That day all the hidden emotions exploded with a force I hadn't known I possessed. I wanted desperately to cry, to scream, to break down but my body refused to move. I felt so hollow, so empty, so frozen. Because of my well known cold behaviour nobody noticed my extraordinary emotional condition. I somehow survived this day. In my room I sat down on my bed and waited for the tears. They never came. I felt numb and empty; there was no space for tears. I only felt my heart being as heavy as a stone, making breathing difficult. I remember I thought about stopping breathing because it was so exhausting. _There I have it _I thought grimly _this is the result of your stupidity. Great job, Hotaru! But since I am the Ice Queen this shouldn't affect me. But why, why does it hurt so much? Where is that pain coming from? _This moment I realised I had never dealt with such emotions before. Normally I would just ignore my feelings. And that's exactly what I tried the following days. It was painful, but I never gave in. My heart picked up his duty as solid cage of any emotions that could appear. Slowly I managed to live on. I felt my heavy heart every second in my chest but somehow I started depending on this physical pain. It never left me alone and this comforted me in some way.

When I look today at his face with these bright eyes, emotions aren't threating to surface. There isn't any hate or regret. But he is also not indifferent to me. I guess my chest will never be freed from the weight it carries. This is the price I have to pay for my heart which refused to listen.

I read in one of these stupid magazines the idiot forced me to page through that your first love is like a tattoo on your heart. And although I hate to admit, it's true.

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**AN: **I didn't mention his name on purpose so you are free to choose your favourite one ;) although it might be obvious who I had in mind...

Please share your opinion about this oneshot with me! See that nice button below? Don't hesitate to use it! Thank you very much!


	2. Incident at the cafeteria

**AN: **What should I say? Inspiration hit me, haha. Enjoy!

[Edited 20th Sept 2015] (thank you, Wendy402!)

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The next day wasn't better. It wasn't even worse - it was the worst.

The sun was shining as if it would make fun of my heartbroken mood. When I entered the classroom, I was welcomed by lively chatter like every day. I walked to my seat, sat down and started working on my inventions. But soon I had to put the screwdriver down. My hands were trembling and my vision started getting blurred. The first thought was _How ironic, the tears come now when I totally don't want anyone to see them_. I cannot explain what triggered my outburst. Maybe it was the knowledge that the others won't notice my pain and were behaving like there is nothing while I'm struggling to find my way again. It's sometimes hard to be the Ice Queen. However it's my part to play and my pride won't allow me to give in. So slowly I regained my composed façade. Just in time.

The door opened and there stood the idiot, with a silly smile plastered on her face. I sighed. When she is around, I won't be able to work properly. Nevertheless I continued improving my now finished prototype. "Hotaruuu!" Oh well, time's over now. It's show time for my famous baka gun. "KYAAAAAA!" And there she flew. Sigh. Will she never learn? However I'm somehow glad she puts up with me, although I will never admit it out loud.

The door opened once again and my body reacted almost immediately to the new aura in the classroom. Yes, it's _him_. Even though I've convinced myself that I'm over him, my body always betrays me by stiffening when sensing him. I did what I do always: Ignore him and my own physical reaction. _He's not worth it,_ I reminded myself. _Damn_. Although I keep repeating, it doesn't help. It _never _helped. My heart is just too sappy. Wish I could turn down its power and let the rational mind take control again.

"Good morning, Imai." That voice. I turned myself a little bit so I caught a glance of the voice's owner. I should not have done it. His mesmerizing eyes didn't let me go. It was like being thrown in ice water. It felt so painful yet wonderful to look at these eyes again. This seemingly endless moment took in reality only a fracture of seconds. It happened too fast for others to notice. I nodded shortly, not risking looking at him again. Nevertheless I sensed his glance like fire on my skin. _Turn away, turn away! Why won't you stop looking at me? TURN AWAY!_

"Imai, are you crying?" I quickly wiped my eyes. My palms were wet, my heart felt like it was going to explode and my chest burned. _Why, why do you have such an effect on me? Why do you look at me? Why do you care for me? You make everything so much worse!_

"Of course not. I yawned. Even a genius sometimes needs some extra oxygen," I stated icily calmly. I turned my head finally towards my invention. It's #2936 and like all my invention, it will be highly profitable. _Right, that's the only thing my mind should be occupied with. Money always wins over matters of heart, my one and only love. _Or so I tried to convince myself.

He finally was called by his girlfriend and left. I felt his glance a last time before he branched off. I exhaled sharply. "Ne, Hotaru, what's wrong?" _Of course. The idiot. I totally forgot her. _"Nothing's wrong, baka. Don't disturb me to ask silly things." "Hotaru, don't lie at me! I saw your wet eyes!" the idiot hissed angrily. "I wasn't crying, idiot, I was yawning. Don't you know the difference? Well, what should I expect from you."

"HOTARUU! You're so mean! I only tried to be nice! But I see, you don't want me to help. Good luck on your own, then!" And there she went to her seat next to Hyuuga. I know I've been cruel, but I'm the Ice Queen. Showing weakness is no option. At least the school bell had mercy with me and rung. During the lessons I only focused on the teacher and his explanations, leaving all my sorrows behind.

Unfortunately, time flew by fast, too fast, and it was lunch time.

"Hotaru, let's go! We have to catch good places!" The idiot has already forgotten that she was angry with me and dragged me to the cafeteria. I should have shot her with my baka gun, skipped lunch and avoided the place of the absolute disaster. I should have known!

However, fate decided to play cruel on me. The idiot was balancing her tray happily and beamed when she found two unoccupied seats for us. I didn't pay attention to her choice and just sat down. _Really bad idea. _I happened to sit next to HIM. And no trace of his girlfriend. _Where is this pink-haired sugar addict?_ Instead, I faced the idiot and beside her Hyuuga."Hm, where's Anna?" piped the idiot up innocently. _For once, she asks a question of concern. _"She absolutely wanted to try out a new cupcake receipt and therefore decided to skip lunch." "A new cupcake receipt?! Why hasn't she told me?! I want to taste it!" cried the idiot. "Oi, you make my ears bleed. Could you stop screaming?" _Of course. Hyuuga. The only person who insults the idiot more than I do. _"Natsume, you meanie! First Hotaru and now you! Why do you two always have to be so mean?" "It's because you are so stupid, baka. Don't get on my nerves and eat."

"Imai, that wasn't fair! Sakura just tried to start a conversation." That was it. I slammed my fork on the table. "_You_ say I'm not fair? Talk about yourself first!" I was boiling inside. How could he, _he_, say I'm not fair. After all he has done to me? After breaking my heart?

"Imai...what are you talking about?" His clueless question definitely put me off. How dares he to break me down, to let me suffer and don't even know what I'm talking about?! "I'm talking about _you_! Do you just pretend to be blind or are you that slow-witted?" He just blinked perplexedly. "You know what? Forget it!" I could not stand the situation any second longer. I abruptly stood up and walked to the exit, accelerating when I was sure nobody observed me.

_How could I have lost control? _I reached a wall and collapsed, slipping down till I hit the ground. I embraced my knees and lay my front on them. _Inhale, exhale. _My whole body was trembling, my façade cracked and the tears streamed down my cheeks, heating them in absolute agony. I felt thin like a piece of paper, the lightest breeze could tear me apart, shattering me like a fragile ice crystal. I'm lost, I cannot handle it anymore. I clutched my heart, my ribs were like a vice crushing my lungs, _breathe, Hotaru, breathe! BREATHE!_

Luckily, my survival instinct was stronger than my destructive emotions. My lungs filled with new air which was released in short, heavy puffs. However the tears haven't stopped. They flooded freely, blurring my vision, taking me in the realm of my own despair.

I don't know how much time passed, it felt like eternity. But slowly, there weren't new tears, the old ones were drying, the breath becoming more steadily. I tried to stand up, first my legs were trembling but soon I stood on them again, leaning against the wall and looking in the sky. After some minutes of just standing there and breathing I looked around. Relief washed over me as I saw that no one was there.

Since the afternoon consisted of free periods, I headed to my laboratory, my refuge. Nobody came across me while I was walking. My face regained its cold and blank expression. The last traces of my outburst were definitely wiped off. I swore to myself, it won't happen again. _Never. Never in my life again will I shed a single tear because of a male subject. Never again will I go through this sufferance, my heart won't disobey. The next time, it will listen. As long as I breathe, I vow, there will be only one tattoo on my heart. And it bears your name, Ruka Nogi._

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**AN:** BAM, the boy has got a name. Surprised? :) Anyway, I'd be delighted to hear (or better read) your opinion :) constructive criticism is always welcomed! I know that my English is not perfect and my style neither so yeah... I want to improve! :) And stay tuned, there will be a (truly) short epilogue, too :) and then the story is going to be really completed, (finally?).


	3. The morning after

**AN:** I know it's short, yet I hope it rounds the story off. For me, it does, haha!

[Edited 14th Feb 2016] (thanks, Wendy402!)

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The next morning came and I had thought of a way to eliminate any possibility of my reputation to be damaged by my, let's say, slightunusual behaviour at the cafeteria.

As usual, I was perfectly on time and sat in my chair, pretending to be wholly absorbed by my invention. In fact, I was waiting eagerly for my three victims to enter the stage. Surprisingly, the idiot was the first one to barge in. Cheery like always, running up to me, arms outstretched for an embrace she'll never get. My index finger moved almost instantly, sending her flying. I surely doubt her intelligence; no matter how many times she met my baka gun, she doesn't seem to make _any_ progress. Luckily, she got the message today so I didn't have to waste any more bullets for her. She stood up clumsily and finally slumped in her chair sulkily. Her expression changed after some minutes though. There was something on her desk, a simple envelope with her name on it. _Took you long enough, idiot. _Curiosity written all over her face, she opened it to turn white, pink and then red while looking at the content. _Impressively. _She cast me a glance full of disbelief, embarrassment and annoyance. I was smirking inside. _Just as I expected. _I started to settle back, but I was stopped by a movement by the door. _Finally. It's time for the highlight._

Hyuuga strolled into the room, followed by _him. _They were of course quicker than the idiot in noticing their envelope. Whereas Hyuuga mustered it boredly and then carelessly wiped it away, _he_ was almost as entertaining to watch as the idiot. First puzzled, then sheepish and lastly also a little bit suspicious. Nevertheless he opened it. _There we go. _It was simply fantastic. His mood changed so fast I nearly couldn't make out all of the emotions. Curiosity, bewilderment, embarrassment, disbelief, shock, perplexity, astonishment and horror. He didn't dare to look up and meet my eye. With a thin voice, he almost whispered to Hyuuga something who indifferently looked back. He then repeated his words more urgently. Hyuuga picked his letter reluctantly up. He, in contrast to the others, just showed one reaction: The face remained vacant, yet flames were licking at the crumpled paper. Only when he perceived they didn't show any effect (_did you honestly think I'm stupid? You're reactions are far too easy to foresee, Hyuuga.)_, fire erupted in his eyes. He didn't hesitate for a second and glared at me, I've never seen his pupils dyed in such a dark crimson. However this did not impress me the slightest. His fire was powerless against my ice. And he was not the person of interest there, he never has been. My glance shifted back to my emotional problem. His cheeks were still tinted slightly in pink. _Perfect._

My strategy was a full success. There was never a single syllable uttered about the incident at the cafeteria. I knew this extraordinarily spicy photographs will get handy some day. And if one may wonder what's on them; pay rabbits and you will know. Maybe. Unlikely. Not. Business secrets ought not to be revealed.

_They say you cannot undo past events, well, they don't know Hotaru Imai's ways and means, then. I only wish they impressed my heart, too._

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**AN:** The end. This time, it's for sure :)

Any review makes me super happy (well, flames don't...)! :)


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